I’ve struggled so much with how to title this entry.
Is there even a good title for exposing such a heavy secret? The answer is no. Exposing darkness is never graceful or “fun”, because it’s a gruesome battle that challenges your every emotion. A battle of the mind, body, and spirit. It’s literally separating lies from truth, so intricately woven together, that creates the fabric of, “who you are.”
Carrying shame and guilt for so long creates this warped sense of security and identity, all wrapped up in an ironclad box of painful memories that feels like your sole responsibility to conceal, at all costs.
It’s an abusive relationship that so deeply skews reality, that you feel paralyzed by fear and doubt that eventually makes you hesitate to even trust your own thoughts or motives. Not to mention the complete loss of trust in others.
You see the exit, but you’re too afraid to make a run for it. Freedom comes at the high price of leaving that ugly secret behind. You realize that, somehow, the very thing that hurts you the most is also the one constant thing that has never left you. Why do you feel so committed to it? You have effectively shaped your entire identity around it and it’s a core part of your physical being. Your roots encompass it, like an abandoned bicycle, left behind decades ago.
It tells a horrific story, but alas…it’s your story. As you contemplate your escape, it begins to reason, “Do you really think you deserve to be free?” “After all, you ARE guilty”. “Just deal with it and stop playing the victim!” “Face it, you’re done. There’s no forgiveness for you!” “You have been here this long, why run now?” “This is who you are!” “You’re nothing without me!”
SHUT UP!!!!
Just…be quiet…
The light feels so warm…but I’ve been hiding and trapped in the shadows for so long that the brightness feels too harsh. The warmth is foreign.
I feel blinded.
Unsure.
Uncomfortable.
I close my eyes tightly and I reach out my hand into the light…just to feel it…but someone sees me. They gently touch my shaking, tired hand. My fingers are stiff and aching from tightly clinging to my shame, but the longer I’m in the light, the more relief I feel.
Too relieved.
Guilt sets in…and I begin to pull away, but the hand that holds mine, squeezes tightly and begins to pull me closer…I feel stretched. One arm in the light and the other cold, pinned down, under the weight of my shame. My heart pounds and my shoulders feel like they’ll soon break.
But, I finally let go of my anchor…
I breathe a sigh of relief, mixed with a little bit of sadness, as I feel myself being pulled away and into the light. My entire body feels electric! Like every cell is racing and leaping! I cannot open my eyes because it’s too bright, but I feel the warmth on my face, so I rest in the light as I feel the tears rolling down my face.
I hear a whisper, “You’re free.” But I hang my head as the familiar feeling of guilt begins to settle on me. My neck feels tense and I fall further forward, but a gentle hand cradles my face and I rest in it.
“You’re free“, I hear again. But I reply, “You don’t know what I’ve done. Who I am.”
“Tell me“
“I…I chose abortion.”
I cringed as I felt the words roll off my lips for the first time…
“I know.”
In disbelief, I squint as I try to pry open my eyes, but the brightness is searing and my head is pounding. I hear softly, “I’ve forgiven you, but you won’t forgive yourself.”
Friends, this is the recurring dream that I have had and the conflict that has been raging within me for almost 2 decades now.
I chose abortion.
At 16, without realizing the lasting implications of my decision, I chose to end my son’s life. I was afraid and unable to comprehend the weight of my actions. I lived my life carelessly and was searching for worth and validation from people and things that this world could never provide.
Whenever the consequences of my decisions became too much to face, I panicked and was desperate to make it all go away. How would I do this? What about my future? What would people think or say? (As if everyone I knew wasn’t at the same risk of unplanned pregnancy too?!) I just wasn’t ready to “give up my life.”
Fear was in control, never me.
My family and friends tried to reason with me, but I couldn’t hear them. To this day, I can’t recall anything said to me. I can’t even remember the details of the abortion, only that my mother was with me. One thing I know for sure, is that my life did end whenever I made a permanent decision, without considering the future. I ended one life to preserve my own…and it changed anyway.
In fact, nothing stayed the same.
The people still talked.
The friends still left.
I stopped doing the things I loved. I withdrew from my family. I constantly ran away from responsibilities because I didn’t trust myself or my judgement. I settled for toxic relationships and friendships that only validated the hate I felt towards myself.
I shoved the secret down deep and tried my best to avoid the people and places that knew what I’d done. I thought if I ignored it and continued to justify it, that I could eventually forget about it and move on.
I didn’t realize that in my attempts to forget, it was shaping me into a jagged and bitter person that would only continue to break, over and over again. I even got to a point of delusion that I wasn’t even sure if the abortion had actually happened or not?! Was it just a bad dream? My family never brought it up. How could I just imagine something so awful? Was I going crazy? What is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just feel okay? I’ll just keep it to myself…nobody can know.
Until now.
Until grace.
Until forgiveness and healing!
The world tells us that we are entitled to choose. That it is our right! That consequences aren’t permanent or necessary and I could just choose freedom. It’s empowering! It tells us that we are in control and that it’s, “my body, my choice”.
But do you know what our world fails to tell us?
THE TRUTH.
The truth that FREEDOM has NEVER been “free”. The truth that consequences are inevitable and by avoiding or evading them, we only delay the inevitable! They’re a part of life and we have the freedom to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of our choices. That’s just silly to even imply. Even small children understand that concept.
But, I fell for it.
The truth that taking a life, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant it may seem…that stopping a beating heart…and cutting off a future…is a “choice” too heavy to bear.
Too heavy for me at only 16 years old. Too heavy for my mother, who supported me and even drove me to the clinic, despite her firm disagreement and the example that she LIVES, every day, as she chose MY LIFE when she was just 16, only to endure the heartbreak of watching me deny life to her grandchild. Too heavy for my Aunt, that I instinctively ran to for help and selfishly asked her to help me hide my secret from my own mother, never stopping to consider what I was asking of her. Too heavy for my uncle, who also faced teen pregnancy and chose LIFE through adoption, and tried to no avail to speak truth into me.
Its. Just. Too. Heavy.
I could never apologize enough for putting them through that, but I can rest knowing that, if God can forgive me…then, one day they may be able to forgive me as well.
Whether you believe in God or not, the spiritual battle still affects you. You can plug your ears and refuse to acknowledge the truth, but the truth is immovable. It is FACT. Regardless of your emotions or opinions, the truth doesn’t change. Whether I acknowledged it or not, I ended a life that was not my own. My body and spirit knew the truth all along…my head chose to deny it…and living out of alignment with the truth, has undeniable physical and emotional symptoms that no earthly remedy can heal.
Is there evidence of this brokenness in our world today? Well, how about anxiety, depression, fatigue, pain, anger, low-self worth, or suicide, just to name a few…
The definition of “death” is the separation of the body (physical) and the soul (our mind, will & emotions). For me, I felt I had no thoughts of my own. I was driven exclusively by negative thoughts of hate and death and unworthiness. Human nature (physical) is to preserve our lives, but all I imagined was death. The opposite of human nature…so how could I be living by my flesh if I constantly wanted to harm it? I was never afraid of death. Wouldn’t my thoughts be to preserve my flesh if it was the driving force?
Similarly, the soul is what defines “who we are” and how we behave. Because of the constant bombarding of negative thoughts, I felt like that was all I had. I couldn’t feel joy. I had no preference for anything. I was numb and indifferent. I allowed people to treat me poorly and define me. I didn’t understand why I felt worthy of such punishment and deprived of love, but I did. I expected it and didn’t feel “right” if things were “good”. I constantly waited for the other shoe to drop. And it usually did. Like, when I was advised at an appointment at the local health department, that I, “would likely never be able to have children.”
I survived many years as a hollow vessel, unintentionally wrecking anyone in my path…until the sky fell…and what could only be explained as the fervent, unrelenting prayers of my family (especially my Mimi) shook me to my core, and finally woke me up! I had moved across the country to run away from the pain and attempt to, “start over.”
*Plot Twist!*
I suddenly found myself paralyzed with that same familiar feeling of fear that I’d experienced as a clueless teenager, only now…I was a clueless twenty-three year old, who was over a thousand miles away from home, with plans to build a new life for myself. In denial, I found the nearest Planned Parenthood and went in for a pregnancy test, convinced that it had to be a mistake, since I had been told that it would be near impossible. But the TRUTH glared at me. The sheer panic that took over the last time returned, which apparently disables my ability to hear anyone or anything…but this time, thankfully it kept me from repeating the same mistake again! I don’t have any memories of what happened next… except that I did finally call my mother.
The rest is like a country song, with greyhound buses, the search for love and identity, momma, and trucks….oh, and an ambulance and a plane, too! I did finally make it back home, and that is a story for another day…but the important thing is…This time…
I CHOSE LIFE!
And the people still talked.
The friends still left.
All of the things I dreaded would happen, did. But you know what else happened? I found myself and I gained a life that I never thought possible. I loved like I’d never loved anyone or anything else. My life was forever changed!!
I began to heal.
But the pain and the shame were still there…
Just beneath the surface…
They eventually consumed me again. The bitterness raged and the negative thoughts were so loud that I believed that I wasn’t worthy of happiness. I believed that my daughter deserved a better mom. I believed that my sweet husband would come to his senses and run for the hills. Who would even blame him? He deserved better, too! “Everybody knew it!”
But he stayed.
He endured my self-hatred and he loved me through it. He showed me what unconditional love was and he never gave up on me and he never said I wasn’t worthy. For that, I am forever thankful for his example and his faithfulness! I count it all joy!
We welcomed our son several years later and I continued to grow and heal, especially as I allowed myself to hope again. I allowed myself to love and be loved. I started to believe that I could finally move forward, free of retaliation.
I felt so grateful for this new freedom, but I still felt a longing…a guilt…an emptiness. I thought that God was calling me to foster care and I pushed right through all of the boundaries to get involved right away. I just knew that my story could help someone and that surely this atonement would take away my shame. But I underestimated the emotional capacity that I would need, and I was so unbelievably weak. So much weaker than I knew. In loving those children, I was constantly reminded of the child I had abandoned. I quickly realized that no amount of good deeds could ever remove the guilt I carried, but I doubled down on my service anyway, and jumped on every opportunity to do “good things” that would distract me from my brokenness, but I still felt so hopeless. So lost.
Soon, I began feeling angry and resentful. I had such a short fuse and constantly feared that I would blow up on someone or do the unthinkable, blow up on a foster child who had already endured heartbreaking pain at the hands of a trusted parent.
With my tail tucked, I stepped away from foster care and a whole new level of shame took root. I felt like a total failure and now I’d abandoned MORE kids that needed me. (Not to mention the new friends I’d made along the way that I felt like I’d let down too.) I was struggling to parent to my own kids and felt so distant from them, now I was unable to provide a safe place for foster kids?
What a monster.
Fast forward to 2020, when the whole world was forced to change the pace. As we all retreated to our homes, I suddenly found myself in a very uncomfortable situation.
At home.
With my family.
With no outside requests, begging for my attention and my commitment. It exposed so many ugly truths that I was running from. Still, I didn’t understand WHAT I was running from. The trauma from my abortion was no longer at the forefront of my mind. I honestly couldn’t pinpoint any particular regret…just that I had them and that I was broken.
Desperate for answers, I began to read books about religion, self-help, mental health, parenting, marriage, you name it. I just KNEW the answer was in there somewhere. Although I did find a LOT of healing in those pages…the longing never ceased. Not until I finally made the decision to surrender to God. I laid on the floor one morning and cried out to God. I had held those tears back for so many years and I knew if I let myself feel everything, and let myself start crying, I’d probably never stop. I hadn’t realized how much energy it took to contain them all. I remember saying, “God, I don’t even know what is wrong with me!!! But you do! I can’t do this anymore!! I am desperate!”
And that was it. The end of ME. The beginning of Him. The beginning of His Redeeming Love.
This weekend I attended a “Deeper Still” retreat in Arkansas and I am finally able to accept that I have been forgiven! Through this ministry, I was covered by truth, love, encouragement and prayers as they helped me reconcile with my child, give HIM a name and finally grieve his life.
On September 11, 2022, I was finally set free from the spiritual bondage of my abortion and I was able to acknowledge my son, Judah. He would be 19 years old now and I long for the day that we will be reunited. I came home and shared about him with my two living children, which was a level of healing I didn’t realize I needed! It has been a beautiful story of forgiveness and redemption as I had the opportunity to honor Judah and release the shame I’d been carrying all these years. I hope that every abortion wounded family has this opportunity to heal.
So, if you have made it this far, I sincerely thank you!!
I understand that this is a lot to process and I’m certain that I’ve rambled a bit as I searched for words to adequately describe my heart’s cry. I want only to glorify God and to provide the TRUTH that I was denied so many years ago. If we are to agree that we all deserve the right to an INFORMED DECISION, then shouldn’t ALL the facts be laid bare? Shouldn’t ALL people be made aware that the implications are not merely physical? Our culture pretends to advocate for “rights” and “equality” and “freedom” while luring us, one by one, into an eternal prison of guilt, shame, condemnation and spiritual death.
John 8:32 says, “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
Please do not be deceived. If you have already fallen into the trap, whether it is specifically abortion or it’s something else, NOTHING is too dirty, too awful, or too far gone for God to redeem!! When you feel like there is no way out, please know that you are not alone! Please don’t give up hope. Reach out!! Cry out!! You are so loved, cherished and worthy of forgiveness.
Here are some of the amazing resources that I found so much truth & life in! They helped me take back my voice and you can find yours too! It’s time we speak up about our abortion stories! Together, we can advocate for LIFE, not just for babies, but their Mommas & Daddies too!
http://www.GoDeeperStill.org (National Website)
http://www.GoDeeperStillArkansas.org (State Website)
http://www.SurrenderingTheSecret.com
http://www.SupportAfterAbortion.com
http://www.RamahInternational.org
http://www.RachelsVineyard.org
http://www.Abanon.org http://www.SetFreeMin.org
Book Recommendations:
“Help Her Be Brave” – Amy Ford (Embrace Grace Ministries)
“Healing The Hurt That Won’t Heal” – Karen A. Ellison;
“Forgiven and Set Free” – Linda Cochran;
“Forbidden Grief: The Unspoken Pain of Abortion” – Theresa Burke, PhD & David Reardon, PhD;
“Her Choice to Heal” – Sydna Masse;
“Aborted Women, Silent No More” – David Reardon, PhD;
“Ribbon of Redemption” – Jenny Ferrell;
“The Walls Are Talking” – Abby Johnson;
“Shattered: 31 Day Devotional” – M.L. Alverez;
“Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” – Lysa TerKeurst;
“The Invisible War”- Chip Ingram;
“Seeking Him: Experiencing the Joy of Personal Revival”- Nancy DeMoss Wolgmuth
The Grace Pace 
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