The Grace Pace

As a naturally skeptical type of person, (some may argue that a better term would be “stubborn”, but I digress…ha!) I generally need to do some deeper research to gain a better understanding and truly accept something presented. Someone recently referred to this as “head knowledge”, and that challenged me.

I’m learning that this is likely rooted in trust issues, and I’m working on that!

Lately, I have been in a strange season of reflection, revelation, restoration and, essentially growth, which has stretched me so far past what is comfortable. I have felt so exposed and vulnerable, which has forced me to take an honest look at myself.

Ouch!

Through this season of growth, that same doubt that seems to be woven into every thought I’ve ever had, is still very present and I have to admit that I have doubted my faith.

I’ve kept quiet about beautiful things God has done in my life because they sounded too unbelievable or I simply felt undeserving of such love and grace, which lead to thoughts that other’s would feel the same way, especially if they REALLY knew what I’d done.

What a shame.

But then I read Psalm 40:10 that says, “I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly.‘

And I was finally able to share a huge piece of my testimony and expose the darkness that held me captive for so long! The freedom from that is absolutely overwhelming! I still can’t believe I lived in that wilderness for so long, but I know that God’s timing is perfect and that His Glory is already shining through those words and impacting hurting people…at the exact right time.

Still…this same manner of thinking had a tight grip on me. I was a prisoner to my own negative thoughts and habits for almost 2 decades, and I had finally exposed the lies, but never realized the desperate need to radically change my thoughts and habits in order to stay out of that snare and keep walking in this new freedom! I couldn’t expect to maintain a positive life without committing to the renewal of my mind. But who am I without these intellectual walls and endless questions that help me to feel in control?

*Cue discouragement*

Sharing my story has started opening new doors and opportunities for me to connect with others and serve my community in big ways! But I kept thinking, “Ugh. This is too good to be true. I’m just going to have a bad day and mess it all up again. There is no way this good feeling can last. I’m not equipped to lead others! Not yet!” But, I remembered that I needed to rewire this thing! God is in control, not me!

*HoLy SpIrIt – AcTiVaTe!*

So, of course…I deflect the negative with awkward humor, duh.

Isn’t that what everyone does?

No?

Oh, okay.

Moving on…

These thoughts have really been bumming me out and I feel like this happiness is going to fade any minute. Thankfully, I knew that I have God’s Word to encourage me!

So, I randomly flipped open my bible, with my eyes closed…

like any rational adult would do…obviously…

The verse I found was Nehemiah 8:10 which says, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” So that was pretty neat. Of course, I began to wonder about the difference between happiness and joy. So I looked that up. Defining terms has always been one of my comfort things.

Bear with me…

“Happiness is an emotion, while Joy is a state of being.”

I don’t know about you, but my feelings have lead me astray! I don’t trust them a single bit. I also recently learned that our “Soul”, is our mind, will and EMOTIONS! Then I read Psalm 86:4 which says, “Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.”

So we are body (the flesh), soul (mind/will/emotions), and Spirit (God). Wow! No wonder we can feel all out of whack and conflicted whenever one or more of them is starving!

A “hangry” stomach is one thing, but a “hangry soul”? YIKES!

The definition of physical death describes the separation of the soul from the body.

Makes sense.

So that implies that spiritual death must be the separation of the Spirit from the body, which also makes sense, especially when remembering that we are “born again” whenever we accept Christ and become “filled with Holy Spirit”.

I really love that!

But what about the Soul? How do we tame that thing?? I am a woman, with emotions and thoughts.

So. Many. Emotions. And. Thoughts.

After the realization that the Holy Spirit IS God, it only makes sense that I submit the others to Him! But how?! How will I know what is Him and what is me? Especially when it comes to saying yes to good things?! How am I supposed to know if it is actually His Will for me, or if it just sounds like a good idea, that appeals to my “mind, will and emotions”?

I was really stumped on this and the internal dialogue of research and revelation pretty much stopped.

*Resume random song lyrics and squirrels*

I have still been highly attuned to my surroundings, though…and I realized how much our culture uses these words so casually. Suddenly, I felt stirred by small things I hadn’t noticed before. For example, a small sign in my kitchen that reads, “Coffee warms the soul“, which isn’t bad…but it now had a deeper meaning to me. I pondered it throughout the day. “How fleeting is that?”, I thought. I enjoy coffee just as much as the next person, I suppose…but does it really affect my soul? Eh, probably not.

Then, I heard a familiar song while standing at the gas pump and I sang along with the lyrics before I even realized what I was saying! “Give me the beat, boys and free my SOUL, I wanna get lost in your Rock N’ Roll and drift away.” Umm…wait…so music affects the soul? And takes us….”away”? To where? Haha!

Okay, okay, I get it.

We enjoy things that have the ability to soothe our mind, will and emotions…I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that? Unless we’re feeding it things that actually damage our soul? How do these affect our mind, will and emotions? Are they always good influences? Are we intentional about the things we consume and protect ourselves from harm? Do we even know what there is harm done? Could we rely on the Holy Spirit to soothe our souls instead? What does that even look like?

I realized that the train of thought had officially gone off the rails and now I was just feeling a bit frazzled as I tried to wind down for the night.

Oh, this brain. haha…this soul.

Then I had the most amazing dream that I was preparing for a battle and felt a pressing anxiety about it. I wasn’t sure exactly who the enemy was? There were no uniforms or flags to distinguish one side from the other! Just a large crowd of people, looking around at each other, afraid to make a move and fight the wrong people?!

How will I know who is against me? How do I “discern” and feel confident or resolute? If I don’t have all the “proof” or clear information to compare and weigh, how can I possibly lead my troops into battle if I am not even sure who the enemy is!? We don’t even have weapons!

I couldn’t rely on my flesh…the physical information…what my 5 senses could tell me.

I couldn’t rely on my soul…my mind, will and emotions…to process the knowledge…to weigh the options. I was too conflicted.

So that leaves the Spirit.

But…how?

Then God handed me a beautiful, heavy sword…and it felt so foreign in my hands. I felt too weak to lift it up!

I asked Him, “How am I supposed to use this if I can’t even lift it?”

He said, “You have to train with it. Dedicate time and get familiar with it. Build up your strength with it.”

So, I did just that, and very soon…I felt strong and confident. It was mine and it felt familiar. Like an extension of my hands.

I went back to the battle, feeling more prepared this time, and I spoke to my troops about this sword, and spoke of Hebrews 4:12 that says, “The word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

I began to train them to use a sword of their own and soon, we were all equipped in full armor. (Ephesians 6:11 – Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.)

I woke this morning with a new understanding, not because I had the “head knowledge” to make sense of it, but because I have been given the “helper” (Romans 8:26) and His Word is sharper than any double-edged sword, with the ability to divide soul and spirit!

Just, wow! There is my answer.

When my body and soul left me feeling paralyzed and powerless, the Spirit, which I train up and feed through studying the Word and hiding it in my heart, (Psalm 119:11) was able to redeem, encourage, equip and guide me into victory with unwavering faith and confidence!

I know that I can rely on Him to divide the soul and spirit and judge the thoughts and intentions of my heart! He has given us everything we need to withstand the wiles of the enemy! We don’t have to KNOW everything or have all the answers, we just have to submit to Him and He will lead us from a position of victory! Why would we ever want to fight a battle that He has already won anyway?! Even the “smartest” person wouldn’t argue that point.

Through this revelation, He has turned this unhealthy habit into a useful tool, to equip me for His Glory!

A radical transformation of the mind, that only God could take credit for!

So it is my prayer today, and every day, that this will be as encouraging to you as it has been to me! I pray that you will continue to seek Him and allow Him to heal and restore the most painful parts of your own story! I pray that you will be intentional about spending time with him in prayer and in, not just reading the Word, but actually studying it. If a particular word stands out to you, define it. Look up the original language and what that word actually meant as the bible was written! Find a concordance and I suggest starting with the word, “LOVE”. Studying in this way has absolutely changed my entire way of thinking and studying the Word! While the English language is unique and beautiful in many ways, it tends to over-simplify complex words, such as love, and the dept of it’s meaning can be lost in translation. Studying out the true meaning of a word allows us to fully comprehend the intent of the scriptures, which deepens our understanding and the impact His word has in our lives! Who doesn’t want that?!

You are so loved and if there is still breath in your lungs today…then He still has a plan and a purpose for your life! Please don’t allow the deception of the enemy to convince you otherwise! Submit your body & soul to the Spirit, and use it as your filter, to take EVERY thought captive!!

Thanks for your continued love and support, my sweet friends!

Selah,

Brittney