The Grace Pace

By:  Brittney Mariner

• Background:  Before I found Deeper Still, and made the decision to acknowledge my abortion wounds, I knew that I was carrying some degree of trauma, especially pertaining to my father. Still, my overall memory of growing up felt normal and uneventful, compared to some of my friend’s experiences. I had not been physically abused, I was surrounded by plenty of loving family members, and I did not recall ever going without certain things, in a material sense. I was not a victim, but I knew that “healthy” people did not live the way I was living, so I started digging deeper. As the child of teen parents, I had witnessed firsthand the hardship that it caused my mother and her family. To this day, I have felt nothing but pride for my mother, as I watched her work multiple jobs to provide for us and overcome every obstacle with grit and grace, never realizing she felt like she had something to prove. I cannot thank her enough for choosing my life and I have zero doubt that she did her absolute best! Still, something was missing, and I spent every day searching for it. I chose to cling tightly to friends and relationships and lacked appropriate boundaries with them. I genuinely considered everyone “family” and moved mountains to be sure that they “loved me” and never left me. Abandonment was very clearly my greatest fear.
• Circumstance: I turned 16 in December of 2003 and got my first car. With that came unbridled freedom that no 16-year-old should have. I know that this was never the intention, but I went from fully dependent to grossly unsupervised, virtually overnight. My mom was finally getting to enjoy her life and build something for herself, so I never wanted to get in the way of that. She had met someone who made her happy, she was finally enjoying the fruit of all her labor and had started her own company. She deserved every ounce of that happiness! I had been the squeaky wheel long enough and I felt capable of taking care of myself! I was a great kid, very respectful, and everyone’s parents trusted me. I enjoyed feeling responsible and I often cared for my friends. I did not use drugs or like to drink, and I was always in long-term relationships, so in my mind, I was still the “good kid.” I was dependable and loyal. That was my identity and it felt good to finally belong.
• Experience: Unfortunately, all of that came crashing down in the summer of 2004, when I took a cheap pregnancy test in a gas station bathroom. Fear gripped me and I still cannot recall many details of that time, but I do remember reaching out for help keeping it a secret from my mom. I was so crippled by the thought of her disappointment, that reality took a back seat. Of course, she found out anyway and I began to implode even more. I vaguely remember a meeting with a few family members trying to change my mind about having the abortion, but the fear was just too loud. My mom ended up taking me to the clinic, but that is all I can recall. I have no memories of the procedure or much of the weeks after, but I do know that all the things I had hoped the abortion would prevent happened anyway.
• Aftermath: My family was disappointed; I lost all my friends and with them went my entire identity. It was a secret buried so deeply that I eventually questioned if it was even real. I wanted to talk about it but never knew how to bring it up. I started avoiding school and thought that changing schools would help, but shame followed me, so I moved again, but eventually dropped out in 2005, got my GED and went to work at my mom’s company. After a discouraging visit with a doctor who told me I would not be able to have children, I lost hope for the future and school felt like such a waste of time. Soon, I ended up in another toxic relationship that lasted about 5 years until I had enough of the physical and emotional abuse. I moved on to the next relationship, and the next, and the next, until I finally broke.
• Breaking Point: In 2010, my mom’s marriage and company fell apart, then our home burned down, all in one summer. So, I took what was left and moved across the country to start over. Thankfully, God had a bigger plan and I quickly found out I was pregnant! In disbelief, I went to Planned Parenthood to confirm. I knew I did not want to mess this up again, so I made the first call to my mom to tell her the news and begin planning my journey back home. Not to downplay the absolute chaos that ensued, but the rest sounds a lot like a country song; with greyhounds, an ambulance, a few good Samaritans, a jaded heart, and a knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet. In a more “Lifetime Movie” kind of way and less “Hallmark.” The man I married in 2013 deserves a whole book written in his honor, but for time’s sake, just know he is a good one! We welcomed a healthy baby girl in the spring of 2011, but I had a tough time connecting with her after her terrifying near-death delivery followed by an extended ICU stay that separated us for a good chunk of her first days at home. Isolated, fear told me I would lose her. Shame convinced me I never deserved her. But God never gave up on me! In 2014 I came close to death a 2^nd time with Sepsis, but God showed me that He was not finished! In December 2015, we welcomed our precious baby boy, and I experienced love I never knew existed. The love of a son can heal some of the deepest wounds, but the rest, only Jesus can touch! Again, the way God moved in my life during this time deserves a whole book, but it can be summed up in one word, “Lavished.” Undeniable proof of His love for me showed up in miraculous ways, over and over, despite my constant shortcomings as a wife and mother, and eventually led me full circle, to my mom’s childhood best friend, Tammy, who introduced me to Deeper Still.
• My Retreat: In September of 2022, I attended my Deeper Still retreat and knew from the time I arrived that I was going be to leaving that place changed. It was difficult for me to accept that others would be serving me and it took all of the first night for me to feel like I could relax. I have struggled with an eating disorder since high-school, but had never made the connection before. I would not allow myself to eat unless I did something to earn it, because I believed I did not deserve it, but by the second day of the retreat, I was fully committed to trying ALL the things on that table and did not have the looming feeling of judgement hanging over me anymore! That small taste of freedom set the stage for the radical transformation that was coming later that day! I felt so loved and free to uncover my face and finally talk about everything without being judged or abandoned! For once, I was not focused only on my physical self, but on feeding my spirit!
• Post Healing: The part about calling your spirit to attention, with the picture of the “Depleted Spirit vs. The “Robust Spirit” was a huge turning point for me and has been a great reminder after the retreat as well. Whenever I feel “off,” I am now equipped with so much TRUTH and the tools to help me take inventory; finding out where I may be “starving.” God showed me that I had been searching for my purpose in Him all along! I was starving for love and connection that gave me a deep yearning that this world could never satisfy! Now that I know who I am in Christ, I feel empowered and equipped to share His faithfulness with others who are desperately seeking Him, like I was. I am free to praise Him and to experience His joy that surpasses all understanding! He’s given me the key to unlock the chains of guilt and shame, to set captives FREE!