The Grace Pace

Years ago, after a short interaction with another lady, my friend turned to me and said, “I love her to pieces…but she absolutely drains me sometimes.”

I didn’t fully understand what she meant, at the time, but the thought lingered. Of course, I tend to overthink everything and I’m a chronic people-pleaser, so I obviously wanted to learn from that encounter and be sure that I was never referred to as someone’s “drain“.

Oh, if only it were that simple…

Over the years, I’ve kept this idea in my mind, repeating, “Be a Fountain, Not a Drain.” I say it to my kids often and it’s probably going to be one of those things that they respond with anytime they’re asked to share something their Mom always said. I suppose it could be worse, right?

Still, despite my constant reminder, I often find myself draining before I even realize it.

Last night, I was definitely a DRAIN.

And to make matters worse, I was at church! I was serving with our kids ministry and running the check-in station, where everyone with a kiddo stood in line to interact with me, whether they wanted to or not. (So sorry!)

It had been an exceptionally rough day with my son and I had brought that looming cloud of frustration and overwhelm with me, hovering & bobbing overhead like an ominous black balloon.

Although I’m sure the majority of the parents I spoke to probably didn’t pick up on my snarky demeanor, as I do have a knack for deflecting even the most uncomfortable of subjects with humor, I’m still quite disappointed in myself for not catching what was happening.

I realized it as soon as I got to my car and I instantly felt so embarrassed. I had been a total clown and I pictured each person waiting in line for my booth as I yelled, “Step right up“. They had no idea they were about to be subjected to my witty candor and endearing sarcasm as I held them captive in small talk and performed a ghastly stand-up routine at my own child’s expense. They laughed, my son didn’t hear any of it, but I still dishonored him…

Way to go, Mom of the Year! Ugh!

I think it probably comes as no surprise that my daughter was in full people-pleaser mode, as well. Cleaning up instead of enjoying time with other kids. My son was still being uncharacteristically obnoxious, clearly starving for attention. Both behaviors that I also missed until hindsight painted them so clearly. Painfully.

What a train wreck we were. We all behaved badly and the chaos at home became chaos at church…and I was the ring-leader. I allowed it and it never even crossed my mind to stop and pray.

Not only do I feel embarrassed about how I spoke about my own children, I feel sad that I missed so many opportunities to be a fountain to those I spoke with! How selfish of me to waste that moment on my own pity party instead of being salt + light! How careless of me to skip such a vital aspect of serving by not pausing to pray first. How oblivious of me to allow myself to be used as a puppet.

My kids shared the same awful day, yet I expected them to remember their “manners” and watch how they spoke to people. But, did I?

My kids were clearly lacking love and connection, too. Yet I corrected them for being disrespectful to me in front of my friends. Did I show the same respect for them?

As I reflect and pray this morning, I am humbled and so very thankful for a Father who saw everything and loves me just the same. He doesn’t shame or condemn me, but He does correct me. I am grateful for that kind of love and I pray that I will be more like Him as my kids and I begin this new day.

I will start with an apology to them for how I behaved and for the hurtful ways I spoke about them. I will remind them that they are precious and valuable, not just to me, but to God. They’ve been entrusted to me, but yesterday I failed them…and I will probably fail again…but most importantly, I pray that they know that they are loved and cherished, even when they’re having a bad day, because we all have them…and God still chooses to love us.

Today I pray to be a FOUNTAIN.

Flowing with love and compassion for others and sharing God’s unconditional love in dry places. I want to be an encouragement and bring hope to the hopeless.

Most of all…I want to be more like Jesus and so much less like me.

To my friends who may read this – I want to apologize for last night and I pray that the next time we see each other, I will have the opportunity to refill what I drained.

Thank you, Father for Your grace and mercy. Please help me to walk according to Your will for me today. Give me eyes to see people the way You see them and soften my heart so that I may be used as a vessel of Your love to speak life and hope into broken souls. In Jesus name, Amen.

This is the song on my heart this morning: “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=fgGa68M_-J0&si=dJKEL72my4mLoQUc

“O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.”